finding big toe

today my balance stayed in bed while i got up far too early . . . a pre-dawn bikram class & at some point, i gave up trying to hit any asana . . . surrendered to gravity . . . & began to practice as if it were my first time . . .

with each successive pose, i simply tried to find center . . . we were up to the one-legged balancing series - standing on our right foot in dandayamana-janushirasana/standing head to knee pose . . . so, where is center? middle of that standing right foot, 2nd & 3rd toes, no?

No ... center . . . big toe . . . to find center is to shift one's weight forward & in . . . to the big toe . . . triggering the deepest muscles of the abdomen & torso to engage . . . it is about suspending one's self not from bones & joints but rather by the invisible force of one's muscles & mind

but . . . try getting there . . . shifting balance to the big toe requires a certain courage ... just as swami vivekananda says, "the mind naturally goes outward" .. so, too, does one's balance . . . to the outer bounds of one's hips, knees & heels ... most of us take support from our edges . . . perhaps because it seems a broader base, perhaps bones & joints seem parts of ourselves most solid to lean on . . . perhaps because remaining on the outside of our bodies keeps us on alert, ready to protect . . . or because we are tired, or lazy . . . & so yield to where our attention most readily goes . . . outward

but this is an unbalanced balance . . one born of fear, one we are taught . . . as the layers of years move us from our center to our edges . . .

our edges . . . our external self & its relationship with the outer world . . . to stay in this layer, accommodating expectations & obligations without reprieve . . . is to let external distractions limit our potential, drain our resources, deplete our reserves . . .

jill ker conway, in a woman's education writes, "the challenge in adulthood is to sustain that inner self while entering passionately into a complicated set of relationships, any one of which may constrain who we are."

and yes, dear reader, you may be thinking, "oh, cocoa, these are words of one somewhat older & wiser, who has reached a point in life where it is time to be more reflective, to turn inward" . . . perhaps . . . but the fact that i can do so at this point in my life is due to habits & experiences i began accumulating when much younger, that i practice consistently & continue to build on . . .

so when i see lulu, in a quiet moment away from school, friends, the soccer field, wading through the dense & evocative prose of zola's nana just because it seemed intriguing on the bookstore shelf or teaching herself italian in preparation for a summer trip to rome, after she finishes studying for yet another latin quiz in addition to her french homework, i know she is acquiring the tools to have a rich inner life while sustaining an outer presence full and balanced

when oscar sits for hours playing a computer game but feels i am putting him through undeserved torture by requiring him to read for 30 minutes, even if it is the sports section of the new york times, i worry . . . Not only is he lacking the reflex to pick up a book or anything for that matter & read, to seize the opportunity to engage with himself & his imagination whenever he finds himself idle, but he is also missing out on the cumulative acquisition of a great depth & breadth of knowledge that will inform his future & make his mind a more interesting place to be . . .

the lure of our external world - t.v. & computer, fast food & quick fixes, in addition to the quotidian demands of chores, family, friends, etc. - can surely make reading & other solitary pursuits feel agonizingly labor-intensive & isolating . . . even equipped with the best intentions, opportunities & tools, we are never far from the temptation to escape outwards . . . so, what anchors us in?

it is this: the conviction that time spent alone, at center, . . . whether sinking into the intricacies of a masterfully crafted novel, watching the concentric ripplings made by the kayak paddle widen ever outwards in the silent still of a lake's pre-dawn mist, exploring the twists and folds of one's own mind while filling the pure white of blank journal pages, inhaling so entirely that every cell of the body is filled with a breathe of lemony delicacy that is a gentle white magnolia blossom whispering across the deep humidity of an august night . . . is essential to our happiness, yielding some of life's most exquisite exchanges, forming the foundation from which we negotiate all other dimensions of life . . .

"The world today does not understand, in either man or woman, the need to be alone," writes anne morrow lindbergh in a gift from the sea . . . "Actually," she observes, "these are among the most important times of one's life - when one is alone. Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone."

time alone . . . forward & in to center . . . presumes solitude . . . & too often when presented with the potential, we sabotage the possibility ... "instead of planting our solitude with our own dream blossoms," continues lindbergh, "we choke the space . . . fill the vacuum. We must re-learn to be alone."

according to his holiness the dalai lama, the most fundamental problem in the world today is this "neglect of . . . our inner dimension"

so, dearest reader, with great urgency we must honor rather than ignore - truly, fully tend to rather than dismiss - our inner self . . . it is not an indulgence, it is essential . . . we must make a habit - daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally, annually - of incorporating moments of solitude into our lives . . .

once we have gone forward & in, found center . . . we must stay a while, observe what unfolds . . . & then watch it unfold even further still . . . eventually allowing ourselves to go places we could never have anticipated

my weight shifts forward & in . . . to center ... big toe . . . gradually, my foot relaxes into full contact with the ground . . . from which an upward spiral begins . . . offering me a taste of profound stability, a balance most genuine

xo