big toe and beyond

it has been a while, dear reader, and i am finding it difficult to move back into this space . . . though i know there is much for us to consider . . .

just as the last posting was being completed, the title and essence of this posting made itself known . . . plenty of notes fill my journal from that moment and the days following, as ideas for points to be made, words to be quoted and connections to be revealed tumbled forth . . . but what of those thoughts, now over a month old and buried i know not where amid the many entries since which, save an identifying date, appear only as graceful scrawl on expanses of white . . .

perhaps the turning of a yellow tab, now cataloging the most promising thoughts on these pages, will prove the key . . . open a door . . . let me back into the room ... the room in which the idea of moving beyond big toe felt quite essential to discuss

'step out of your mind,' instructs graham, the newest in the lineup of bikram guides, as he reminds us that any unpleasantness we experience is simply an observation by one facet of the mind . . . we can choose to step out of that dimension, that room . . . walk into a different room, one where we can observe ourselves in a happier endeavor - 'doing something that brings you pleasure,' he suggests. 'walk into that room & stay there, instead. your body will continue on through the exertion, now, with much less struggle . . .'

we've all had this experience in one form or another . . . when the routine -- perhaps a workout, maybe a commute, a regular meeting or other repeating chore -- seems to be taking forever, when previously the time passed by almost unnoticed

graham continues: 'The practice of yoga teaches you to control the mind, to control where in the mind you spend your time' . . . to step out of the area where you are experiencing discomfort -- to step out graciously and choose a more productive room in which to enter . . .

Not too long ago, i experimented with a three-day detox . . . hardly a fast, it derived from ayurvedic healing and meant eating a mixture of white basmanti rice, split mung beans & various spices & flavorings, prepared as a stew . . . the instructions were to eat the khichri, as it is called, for breakfast, lunch, dinner & any snacks in between, drinking only a special tea of hot water steeped with cinnamon, cardamom & ginger. . . that meant no coffee, alcohol, fruit, bread or sweets . . . for 72 hours . . . at first, i found the sameness of the food, one meal after another, calming & realized how our bodies labor when we take in too much or conflicting combinations of food

but soon that revelation was overshadowed by desire -- whether for the full complement of dishes at a dinner or something sweet for breakfast . . . or perhaps just my steaming bowl of cafe au lait each morning -- & the subsequent struggle (both mental & physical) to remain detached . . . after much effort spent debating whether i should continue detoxing or return to normal life, i had a thought: cocoa, try moving your mind over 'here' . . . go to a room further in, where entrance requires even greater honesty . . . see there that you will not die without a cup of coffee; it is a feeling, going on in another part of your house . . . you don't need grilled chicken with your 'rice & beans' dinner; tonight, the rice & beans is sustaining enough . . . the chocolate & pretzels that get you through the late afternoon lull are simply distractions, as is the glass of wine you desire, while preparing the evening meal' . . . i try stepping out of those old rooms . . . go into this new one & instantly i notice how simply, calmly sustaining my body finds a deep breath of air, a tall glass of water, the warmth of a simple spice tea - I feel released from the struggle; what seems a false 'need' for the constant influx of solid, dense, demanding 'support' has fallen away

from this new vantage point, the threat of any denser substances in my body would prove distracting . . . would hold my awareness in the aspect of my more superficial systems . . . muting sensations in more intimate realms of my being . . . unfortunately, the room offering a lighter fare has at its center an unsuspected trap door, one that without warning dumps me back into the old dungeon of want & desire . . . no sooner do i talk myself out of one desire, when a new one pops up, or the old one returns . . . as if a supercharged magnet is pulling me back to one of those outer rooms . . . remaining in the new room demands a dogged determination . . . sometimes even that is not enough . . .

but when i can, i pick up my mind and move it ... out of the brilliant rays of the pull . . . into a little shade, where the relief is sweet . . . & to stay requires doing nothing, save taking a deep breathe . . . relaxing into . . . being open, suspended . . . free of the pull

and i return to big toe . . . 'don't expect to be held just on your big toe' comes the order in a bikram session not long after the last posting . . . of course, i thought . . . big toe is just where contact is made with the ground . . . just as i am not meant to sink into a vat of mung dahl, i am not meant to drop my full weight into big toe - both are points of contact, there to stabilize; nothing more . . . the true source of suspension lies with muscles more internal & located higher up in the body . . . access involves a shifting of mind as well as weight . . . once we can take our mind to a place that thinks, 'up through the back & top of the head, up through the muscles nestled deep inside the ribcage, up through the balancing zone between eardrums & cheek bones,' we find we need far fewer external infusions . . . if we find a moment to leave the physical supports, to move into a more interior room . . . we discover a fresh point of balance . . . where the energy shifts, where the effort seems no effort at all . . .